My eyes fluttered open, and I stretched for a moment, yawning. I leaned up on my elbows, attempting to register my surroundings. He was asleep beside me, his back to me, and I felt my lips drift into a soft smile as I watched him sleep. It was nine in the morning, he must have come in just before dawn.
For a moment,I watched him silently. He really was one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen. Probably the most beautiful. And he was mine. He belonged to me.

I bit my lip. God, sometimes I was such an idiot. It had taken me ten long years to fall in love with Angel completely, ten years for him to fall in love with me, and I almost threw it all away, because of one kiss with an old flame.

With Xander. I closed my eyes, sighing as I leaned my head back against the pillows. It had been three months since we had run into him again. It had taken three months for me to be able to look at Angel without feeling a trace of guilt, a trace of fear. I had overreacted, I knew that. I loved Angel, and just because I felt some sort of uneasiness after seeing Xander again, just because I had kissed him, held him, comforted him, it didn't mean I wasn't supposed to be with Angel. Angel was my best friend, my lover, hell, him and Doyle were my only friends.

And if I could just keep those damn thoughts of Xander Harris out of my mind, I would be fine.

Leaning over, I gently laid a kiss on the crook of his neck, lingering over his skin for just a second. I felt myself smile when he began to stir.

Growling, he flipped over suddenly, grabbing me and pulling me close to him, his eyes still sleepy.

“Morning.” I whispered.

“Hey.” He returned, just a scant second before he covered my lips with his. The kiss continued for a couple of minutes before I pulled back.

“You're tired.” I remarked.

He sighed, leaning his forehead against mine. “It was a long night.” He agreed. “I wish you were with me.”

“Mmm. me too.” I whispered, caressing his cheek gently. “You got a scratch.”

He winced, nodding. “Ran into a couple of tough vampires.”

“Oh.” I sucked in my breath. “Damn, you tough nut, I should have gone.”

“No, you needed to sleep. You have that *fun* meeting today.” He drawled.

“Oh, yay.” Being human did have it's drawbacks. Because I was the only human around, I had to take care of all the legal work. That meant books for the agency. I had a meeting with the legal advisors today.

“Did you sleep well?” He asked me, blinking.

“Not really.” I admitted. “Worried about you and Doyle.”

“As you should be.” I smiled, kissed him again.

“Angel? Go to sleep.” He smiled, not arguing with me.

“See you tonight?”

I nodded, planting my lips on his forehead for a second before pulling away from the bed, settling on the edge of the bed and sighing. It was time to return to the land of the living.

I winced in the sunlight, quickly pulling on my sunglasses. This was crazy. Me, the former sun tan queen, having issues with the sun.

Oh, well, the price you pay for living with a vampire.

I slid into the car, pulling out onto the street and driving into downtown. I wasn’t really looking forward to this. It happened once a month, me and a guy from a downtown business would get together and go over all of the agencies business, and then we would determine what legal issues would arise. Because we dealt with the supernatural, lots of things always arose, and it was necessary to cover our butts.

Well, my butt. Angel and Doyle technically weren't human, so technically, they had no butts to cover.

It took all day, and every month, I dreaded it.

I finally reached the office, taking a moment to fix my hair and adjust my suit before I grabbed my briefcase and skipped up the stairs.

“Ms. Chase.” I gave the receptionist a smile and nodded. “Monthly meeting?”

“Of course. John expecting me?”

The receptionist gave me a small shake of her head. “Mr. Morrison is on vacation this week, Ms. Chase.”

What? Damn. He knows I only work with him. I cocked an eyebrow, slightly irritated. “Really. He should have called me to reschedule, then.” Shirley gave me an apologetic smile. She really is a nice lady, pity I only see her once a month.

“He was going to Ms. Chase, but we have a new man working for us, said he knew you, and wanted to take care of your account.”

What? What the hell is she talking about? I whirled, looking at her with an eyebrow raised. “What? I don't know anyon-”

“He’s a very good man .Came from one of the best agencies out of Pasadena.”

Well isn't that just peachy. I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes, forcing myself to actually be polite for once. “That's very kind of you, Shirley, but I only work with John, You know our agency’s special needs and-”

“And I'm fully capable of handling everything.” I felt my heart stop for one full second at that voice. Oh, Shit. Oh, God. It couldn't be. I won't be able to handle this if it is.

Closing my eyes, I forced myself to bait my breath, and clenching my fists, I forced myself to turn.

It was.

Xander Harris smiled at me, his hands casually in his pockets as he gazed at me, his beautiful chocalote brown eyes looking right into mine.

“Hey Cordy.”

“Xander.” I breathed, unable to stop myself. I noticed Shirley stiffen at the immediate tension in the room.

“You DO know each other.”

Xander, who all this time had remained calm and poised, just shrugged. “Ms. Chase and I were old friends from high school.”

Well, at least he was admitting it. The last time we talked, he wouldn't give me even that.

I apparently had lost the ability to speak coherently, because he continued to speak. “Thank you, Shirley, we'll be in my office.”

Shirley smiled brightly at him, and nodded.

I swallowed, feeling my heart start beating faster. No, no, no. I couldn’t work with Xander Harris. Hell, he was the whole reason I had been going through utter hell for the past three months. I should reschedule, I should stay the hell away from him.

And yet, like a moron, I followed him dumbly into his spanking new office.

I hesitated for a moment in the doorway. What was wrong with me? I was acting like a freaking bimbo. Come on, Cordelia. You can deal. You have before. Just because you and him had this , just because you once LOVED him-

Stop it.

I sighed, taking a deep breath. “Xander, I honestly don't think-”

“Cordelia, come on, we're adults, right?”

The look he gave me was one of mild consternation, as if he wasn’t affected by my presence in the slightest. Quite a contrast from our last encounter. I had to admit, I felt a little muddled by that.

Giving him a small smile, I finally crossed my arms, managing at least SOME air of compusure.

“At least one of us is.” I said, smiling softly. I gave him a small grin. “How are you, Xander?”

“Good.” he responded, his voice light and airy. “I've made some changes.”

“I noticed” I remarked, coming forward with my briefcase. “Quite the spiffy office, Xander Harris.”

“I told you I did all right for myself.” He smiled leaning back against the chair.

"And I believed you."

He smiled, nodding, tapping his fingers on the desk. "How's Angel?'

"He's good." I answered immediately. "At home, daylight hours."

He nodded, closing his eyes for a minute. "I talked to Willow."

An involuntary smile floated on my face. "Really? How is she?"

"Good. Her and Oz have two kids. But ... uh.. Buffy's going through a divorce."

Oh, ouch. "Oh, God. Why?"

Xander shrugged. "I wish I knew. We don't really keep avid touch. I took off to college after I transferred and we all kind of grew apart."

I sighed. "I' m sorry, Xand. I know how close you all were."

He shrugged. "You were one of us too, Cordy."

I smiled sadly. "yeah, well, I kind of forfeited my Scooby right when I slept with Angel."

His smile froze, and I knew I had touched a nerve. I was right, I knew. When Xander and Buffy had found out about Angel and me, they had made every effort to keep me from coming back to Sunnydale, from being part of them again. Not that I blamed Buffy, her and Angel had quite a past, I'm still feeling it, but it hurt like hell from Xander. I thought we had parted friends.

"I'm sorry about that,Cor." He said immediately. "I didn't understand. You know why."

I did know why. Apparently the guy in front of me had become what he was, for me. He had loved me all that time. Damn.

"You should have come seen me Xander." I said flatly. "You should have said something."

He shook his head. "Would you have waited, Cordy? Would you have not fallen in love with Angel if you had known?"

I swallowed, closing my eyes as I rubbed my head. "I don't know. But I'd like to think so."

When I opened them, he was looking at me silently. "That's in that past now, Cor." He said quickly.

"Oh, Xander, cut the crap." I said suddenly, tired of the formalities that we were going through. "You and I both know it's not. Don't tell me that you're not looking at me and not remembering what happened at Tessa's."

He froze, his eyes still on his desk. "If I recall correctly, Cor, you basically told me to stay away from you."

I leaned back, now completely frustrated. "I did, you didn't." I was furious now, and I really didn't know why. I needed to stay away from him. I had made a promise to Angel, one that I fully intended to keep, and the fact that I had almost broken it with Xander didn't help.

He saw the glint in my eyes because he leaned forward. "Cordelia, come on, let's be professionals about this. I'm good, okay? I wouldn't have this spiffy office if I wasn't, and you need some one you can trust."

Oh, hell yeah I needed someone I could trust. And I also needed some one I could trust myself with. I already knew my discipline around my old "friend" was less than up to standard.

I leaned back in my chair, forcing myself to get over myself. It was fine. If he could handle it, so could I. I was in love with Angel, dammit.

"You're right. I'm sorry." I said after a moment, forcing myself to breath. "But I'm hungry."

He looked a little curious. "What?"

I nodded firmly. "You heard me dorkhead,I'm hungry. Come on, let's go to Miyagi's, it's the neatest little sushi bar in Holly-"

He snorted. "Ummm. Cordy? I'm still not a fan of raw fish."

I allowed myself to smile. "So what do you suggest?"

"Greasy, fattening food."

"Oh, yuck."

"Tommy's it is." He said, pulling at his tie as he got up. I only shook my head, my eyes to the sky as I picked up my briefcase.

He stopped for a second, looking at me strangely. "What?" I asked.

"That suit looks good on you, Cor." He said after a minute. I only shrugged, finding myself blush just a little bit before walking in front of him.

"Ditto." I responded.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Damn, Cordy." Xander said, running a hand through his hair while he took a swig of coffee with the other. "The way you guys live, I'm surprise you weren't dead ten years ago." He shuffled through the papers. "This is insane. Not even Sunnydale is this bad."

I smirked. "I have almost died, Xander. A whole bunch of times."

He looked up at him, for a second his eyes getting darker. "You never told any of us, you should have called us, Cordelia."

"To do what, Xander?" I said, twirling my straw in my jar. "It wasn't like I could. Angel and Buffy couldn't see each other, I had a duty to him."

His jaw was firm. "A duty, Cor? Or were you just trying to get into his pants?"

There was a dead silence, then and I felt absolutely numb. I knew exactly what he was accusing me of, and never had I felt so angry, so wanting to smack that angered look from his face. The bastard. My face lost all emotion then, and when I spoke, it was deadly quiet.

"Say that again, Xander, so I can kick your ass." His eyes flashed, and we stared at each other, glaring daggers.

My phone rang, and we both jumped. I flushed, forcing myself to breath as I turned away from him to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Cor." It was Angel. I closed my eyes, feeling my heart thud just a minute as I turned even farther away.

"Hey."

"Hey. What time you thinking about coming home?"

"I'm not sure." I said, closing my eyes, trying to still my pulse, trying to keep my anxiety from showing up in my voice. "What do you need, hon?"

He chuckled sheepishly, a low, hearty laugh. "Well, this is gonna sound dumb, but... we're out of ice cream."

I blinked, trying to make sure I heard right. "Ice cream?"

"Yeah."

I was quiet for a minute, and then I felt my anger flood away, and replaced with loving amusment. "You dork." I said, smiling.

"Can you bring some home?"

"Sure, but I might be gone all day."

"Do you want me to wait up?"

"No, if you're busy."

"I'll wait, I didn't get to see you at all last night, let's just hang out tonight at our house."

"It's a date." I confirmed.

"See you then." The phone clicked, and I closed my eyes, turning back to Xander, who was watching me with guarded eyes, his face had lost a little bit of his bluster, and it was unreadable as he looked at the phone.

"You didn't tell him about me." He said matter of factly.

I didn't meet his eyes as I answered. "No, I didn't. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. He's a little jealous of you."

"And he's got nothing to worry about." Xander said dryly, spitting the words out.

I sighed, feeling my anger rise, and determined not to let it get the better of me. "Look, can we just be friends today, Xander? Please? Without you acting like such a damn prick? I mean I'm sorry you got stuck with this account, but I need to get this done, and if all you're gonna do is make me you're a first class jerk all day, then I'd rather wait until John gets back." I spat the last words out.

He winced then, and I trailed off at the look in his face. He was quiet for a minute, and then he began heavily. "I asked for the account, Cordelia."

I leaned back, watching him. "Why?"

He said nothing, and then the words came out in one bit torrent. "Because I needed to see you, okay?" He finally admitted angrily.

Oh, shit. Here we go again. I really couldn't deal with this, the beating in my heart accelerating. I shook my head.

"Xander-"

"Cordy, I know. Don't... I.. know."

I closed my eyes, knowing in my heart that a good person would walk away right about now, be smart about the situation, but I couldn't. As I looked at my old friend, I couldn't walk away seeing him like this, he looked like he was drowning.

And so I sat there, and I groaned inwardly, praying I would have the self control to make it through it today. One look and I knew I wasn't going to do it without help.

"Come on." I snapped, grabbing my purse.

He looked up in bewilderment as I gathered together my things. "What are you doing?"

"I need a drink." I answered matter of factly.

"In the middle of the day?"

"Xander, you forget. I'm on vampire hours. This is the middle of the night for me. I need a drink. I think we could both use a drink. We'll finish the books later."

We had called a truce then. The two of us hung out the rest of the day, at a little bar at the Santa Monica pier, just talking like we used to, getting everything out. It was nice, having some one from Sunnydale to talk to, catching up on how everyone was doing. I gathered from what he didn't say that Buffy didn't like me too much. Not that I could blame her, I had, in a sense, "taken" Angel from her, and trampled on Xander's heart. At least that was how she saw it

We ended up sitting down on this old wooden bench, side by side, watching the beach, and the sun getting lower and lower in the horizon. For a moment we were quiet, and then Xander spoke up.

"Did you ever dream, Cordy? What a perfect life would be?'

I smiled, nodding. "Yeah, all the time. Most of the time I was married to Keanu Reeves. Never thought I'd be doing what I'm doing now."

He half smiled. "You turned out pretty all right for yourself, haven't you?"

"Depends on what you weigh it as. I'm such a disappointment to my parents. They hardly even talk to me anymore." I gave him a glance and smiled. "They would have loved you know. Mr. Successfully business man."

He shrugged. "Like you said, Cor. It depends on how you look at it. I always had a different fantasy."

"And what was that?"

He quieted then, and when he looked at me, I felt my heart stop. His eyes had darkened, his voice got gruffer. "In my fantasy," he continued, his voice soft, "I tell you how much I miss you, how much I regret not coming to see you, not holding on to you. God, how much I love you, Cor."

Every part of my body was still, and my voice low, my eyes on on his face, I spoke. "In your fantasy, what do I do?"

He had on the shadows of a smile when he answered, " You throw your arms around my neck, tell me you love me, that you haven't stopped."

There was silence then, and he spoke again, his voice slipping ever so softly, "Can't you just pretend, Cordy? Can you pretend? Just this once?"

My eyes filled up with tears, and I was trembling then as I shook my head viciously. "No, Xander." I whispered gruffly. "Cause then I wouldn't be pretending."

And I flung myself in his arms, drawing him in for a desperate embrace. It wasn't a lover's embrace, and it wasn't a just friends embrace, and at this moment, I didn't quite care enough to define it.

He was holding me so tightly I was almost gasping for breath,and yet I didn't move, and we stayed there, not moving, until we noticed the light began to changed, and then we turned to watch the sunset.

Then I closed my eyes, leaning my forehead against his cheek. He froze, but understood, his arms loosening around me as I pulled back.

"Time's up, isn't it?"

I nodded mutely.

"Are you going to tell him?" His eyes were sparkling as he looked at me.

"That I saw you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. He nodded. I shook my head. "I KNOW he'll get the right idea."

"You mean the wrong idea."

I shook my head mutely. " No." I answered softly. "The right idea." He looked at me, and when I saw his head lower, I let out a strangled whimper and pulled back.

"Xander, you can't do this to me, it's not like this is Melrose Place place, you can't just kiss me anymore." I said quickly, one hand on his chest to ward him off. He stared at me, and then his eyes grew dull.

“No, Cordy.” he said heavily, turning away. “The last time I kissed y ou, the last time I asked you not to leave me, you did, and you're still with him, you still love him.”

I swallowed, looked away. The last words had been added almost like a question, one that I knew he wanted me to answer. “You know I do, Xander.” I said, in a low voice.

I didn't look up to see his reaction, and when I finally did meet his gaze, I was sorry I did.

Something had happened to my old Xander, the one that I had fallen in love with against my better judgment. He had turned into me. I could see it in his eyes as he gazed at his glass, his face immobile.

“Are you still miserable, Xander?” I asked softly.

The softest smile came to his lips. “What do you think, Cor?”

I looked away. “I think that was the wrong question to ask.”

He looked at me, and suddenly stood. "I can't be here anymore. I can't see you anymore." I felt my eyes water as he pulled on his jacket. He turned back to stare at me, his eyes flashing. "I can't be here and see you and not need you. And I can't sit here and hold you and believe that you don't need me too."

And then he leaned forward, and before I could stop him, he hauled me up against him, and leaned down to capture my lips with his. He ravaged my mouth, and I could so nothing but hold on to him for dear life, fearful that he would continue, and afraid he wouldn't.

He let me go then, pushing me back as quickly as he had grabbed me. My chest was heaving them, my lips swollen, and my heart beat racing. I couldn't look at him then.

“Good-bye, Cordelia.” He breathed. I closed my eyes at the emotion in those words, and I waited a full minute. When I opened my eyes, he was gone.

Oh, God. I felt so empty, so conflicted, so confused. I felt my eyes water as my throat closed up, and I hugged my jacket tighter around me, and suddenly the emotion that I had kept pent up in my body for the past three months consumed me, and I felt the sobs bubbling up inside me.

I gave up them, releasing them in one huge torrent. I sobbed so terribly then, huddled in a ball on the bench.

This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I was never the cheater, I never lied to Angel, and yet I had deliberately lied to him twice, the man I was going to marry.

I was going to marry Angel, and now I couldn't get thoughts of Xander's haunted face from my mind.

Oh, God. And I continued to cry.

I don't know how long I sat there, until I was able to gather my wits and pick up my purse and head to my car.

I almost forgot the ice cream. But I had remembered at the last minute

My hands were shaking as I reached for my door. I saw the knob turn, my eyes were on the crack as the door opened.

He must have been waiting by the door because he opened it the rest of the way.

"Hey." He said, bringing me in, his eyes concerned and soft. "Are you okay? You look tired. It must have been a long day."

I smiled grimly. "It was." I handed him the ice cream, and spotted Doyle seated on the couch.

"Hey, Doyle."

"Cor." He answered, scooting over as I plopped down next to him. "You too tired to work?"

I glared at him. "Okay, so that's a yes." He said, getting up. "Get some sleep. Angel, you ready?"

Angel cocked an eyebrow. "I'm not going anywhere, Doyle."

Doyle looked a little taken aback. "What are you talking about?"

"Look at Cordelia. I'm staying with her." God I loved him. I sent him a grateful smile.

Doyle shook his head. "Now, look Angel, Cor can take care of herself, me and you got to chase after that one demon that-"

"You do it." Angle ordered. Doyle squinted his eyes and shook his head.

"No way, I'm not doing this all by myself! Look! I put up with your guyses lovebirding enough, Now we need to-"

By this time I was laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes, as Angel grabbed poor Doyle by the collar and began pushing him to the front.

"Out, out out!!" Angel ordered, pushing Doyle out of the door and slamming it shut, as I gasped for breath on the couch, smiling as he turned and leaned against it, looking at me.

I gazed at him. "You are so going to get it from him tomorrow."

He grinned. "You didn't really complain much."

I grinned sheepishly, sitting up as he came slowly toward me closing my eyes when his lips touched my ear.

"Oh, Angel." I breathed. "We're going to have sex now, aren't we?"

"You can count on it." He said gruffly, covering his lips with mine, brushing Xander's angry kiss away. I kept my eyes shut tight, allowing myself only to feel, not to think.

I had almost fallen today, no I HAD fallen, but I had fallen forward. Circumstances had landed me on my feet, I was still with the man I loved.

But I was playing with fire, roaring fire that seared me with every touch, made my heart race with every look. And if I saw him again, I knew someone was going to get burned.

I forced myself not to think, letting Angel kiss every lucid and treacherous though from my body. Soon I was consumed with knowledge of him, had no room for anything else. And I was glad.

Because I had fallen forward, and it would be next to impossible to to back.

THE END